I'm moving my blog

Hi, this is fairly irrelevant as I've barely blogged here, but I'm moving to my own domain at http://www.MyCrazyLovingFamily.com. The site is not up yet, but will be within the next few days. I hope to see you there! :-)

Someone I shouldn't miss...

A post from my FB tonight: "It's amazing how you can forget all the bad things at will, only remembering the good... yet your heart will continue to warn you, to remind you that there was a reason you left. All the same, there are some things I miss lately. :-(" What can I say? I miss the lying, cheating, thieving jerk... He could be so much more than that. He was intelligent, though he used it for malicious intentions. He was funny, and charming. And his eyes would light up like you wouldn't believe - he had this childlike wonder - when we did things like go to the aquarium or watched funny cartoons with the kids. He didn't know how to love, and he couldn't trust that anyone truly loved him without ulterior motives. Oh, and let's not forget the mom that told him she was the only woman he could ever trust (while telling him also that she honestly wished he'd never been born) and the dad that said until you get married you should always have a "main" and "associates." Not surprising that his parents cheated on each other, or that he cheated on me, is it? So much negativity... So much abuse, mostly verbal/emotional... But the times where we were relaxed, or when he let me in and we really talked, I was in heaven. I'd planned on marrying him, and he was the first man Kaleb ever called "Daddy." I liked who I was when we were together - when we were happy together, that is. He showed me how to be carefree do things for me, he loved to cook, he loved to do the day-to-day things like grocery shopping, cooking, and walking the dog as a couple or family. Part of the time, he got it. Part of the time, he was amazing. Anyway, I don't really know where I'm going with this. He's Jeckyll & Hyde. Amazingly charming one minute, making you feel like you couldn't belong anywhere but with him. The next, he'll have you trapped somewhere with this look of pure rage, and when he leaves the room for a bit, you honestly think he'll return with a knife to torture and/or kill you. I would never dream of talking to him again, much less seeing him or anything. But what can I say? Right now, I miss him. Thought about him off and on, wondered how he's doing - whether he's getting into trouble still or not (but most likely yes). But right now... Right now I really miss him.

PTSD and Dating... Ha!

I don't really know what to say here, except I'm sorry. But I've already said that, and I know you don't want to hear it again. I don't need to have an hour-long conversation with you... A simple football comment will do. Anything to let me know we're still in a good place, and then I don't care how long we don't talk. PTSD is, at its core, a re-wiring of the brain. It causes common sense to seem ridiculous, and the ridiculous seem like the smart move. Most of the time now, though, I'm me. You have to know that I'm me, I'm still here. I'm still the girl you like, the woman you've been dating. It's just that, from time to time, the faulty wiring shows through. Once that happens, (ok, once that happens and then I anxiously word vomit endless apologies and reasoning that only make it worse,) I do what it takes to re-wire it back to normal. You've seen that at work. I'm just sorry I couldn't hide all the faulty wiring until it's corrected. You see, if I was smart, I would have waited to date you until I was done with therapy, and possibly even the CPA exam. Of course, then some things wouldn't have come up before you anyway, so I guess we'd still have some of these issues regardless.

But in any case, I'm not 100% logical. And my heart doesn't like the idea of not seeing you for 3-6 months while I get there. Hell, one month is three weeks too long. Because you are the man I used to dream about. The pale, freckled Irish kid in my dreams who just... got me. He was genuine, and he made me laugh, and he was perfect for me. And I think he grew up to be you. And when I see you, or your picture... I see my future. I can't explain it. I've fallen hard many times before, but this is different. I don't think I'm in love with you, because I'm not yet. But I know that my future is supposed to be you. I just hope I didn't screw it up.

You know my heart. You have seen me when I'm normal. You know why these moments happen and that they're going away. So please, don't leave, and don't give up on me. I want simple: camping, hiking, and watching football. I want a husband who isn't the most romantic, but knows how to make me feel special just by being himself. I want a house full of laughter and love. Hell, I want to roll my eyes at my husband, sitting there drinking beer while watching the games every Sunday! That's it. But you're the only man I have ever dated that fits at all into this scenario. Let alone seamlessly. It's you. And I need you to be tough and stick out this rough patch, so that you can see that I'm what you need, too. Please, just give me the time and faith that I need right now, faith that these moments will go away soon, and I will give you everything you could ever want when this is over.

God, I'm glad you'll never read this. You'd run screaming, lol. I just hope you're not doing that already. And I hope you have a wonderful week, since I don't know when I'll hear from you. Sweet dreams, bel homme.

Rough Times

Of course, you knew if my finances/jobs were coming together, something else had to go wrong, right? Murphy's law. I've been... afraid to sleep, afraid of the nightmares, as listed in my last post. My only chance at relaxation was once a week in the arms of the man I care about, though we're pretty new. WELL... I had to put that one on hold. Between you (which so far is one person I've ever actually met, lol) and me, I've become completely FB stalker-ish, overly analytical, and clingy. Ugh. Well, wouldn't you if the only time you could not be tense was a few hours a week?? Don't judge, lol. Anyway, I got paranoid, he warned that clingy = bad, and  I said if we don't chill out now, I will drive you crazy. He agreed. SO. It was helpful at first, dating and seeing what came up while still seeing my therapist weekly. Now, though, I'm kind of glad, because I'm no longer tempted to call the man I care about (since that's not how it is now) to tell him all about my crazy. I also no longer have to fight that urge and hide it. Aside from work and kids (which, granted, takes up most of my time but oh well), I don't have to fight it or hide it anymore, which allows me to process better. In fact, I'm taking tonight and just surrounding myself with it.

Here's how that's going. Slept and woke up within an hour: 3 times so far. Nightmares: 1 that I can remember. Time I've been for this time: it's 12:38 AM and I'd say I've been up since about 10:45. Rants that I probably shouldn't have posted today: Countless (ok, probably around 5). Chocolate: Check. McD's: Check. Ice cream: Pass. Wine: Pass, only because I have to work in the morning. Taco Bell: Headed there after I finish this. The biggest thing is that I'm noticing I'm not overwhelmed with fear, like I was initially. It's all anxiety and pain. Mostly pain. The pain of suppressing, the pain of denial, the pain of talking myself into thinking I was crazy 15 years ago, and living with that belief - and some others - all this time. I hurt for me and I hurt for that girl 15 years ago that had to live like that to feign a feeling of safety. When the two become one, and the pain subsides, and nothing is buried any longer... I will be free. The first six months of therapy turned me into a new person, one that could make her own decisions. The stuff that I'm working through now will free me. And I can't wait to be free. Ha, makes me cry just thinking about it. But then, I've done a lot of that this past week.

Anyway, this blog is kind of pointless, but as I only have one follower - and a busy one at that - I feel fairly safe using this as my personal diary at this point. There is no philosophy or lesson contained in this one, just venting and a way to remind myself: This too shall pass. And the only one that needs to believe that to be valid, is me. Ok, feeling better. Off to TB and then more processing... Woohoo!

Who am I?

First, I'll tell you who I'm not. I'm not shy - well, not after the first five minutes. I'm not afraid of anything, except really big bugs and snakes. I'm not going to put up with someone treating me horribly, and I'm not going to treat someone horribly unless they threaten my family or friends. I'm not spiteful, and I don't have ulterior motives that will harm others in any way. I'm not great at keeping the house spotless or cooking every night, either. And I will not fail.

Who am I? I'm strong. I've been raising children since long before I was an adult (though I've been raising my own since shortly after I became one), and I've been doing it on my own. I make the tough choices and enforce the tough decisions. I have been hurt, beaten down physically and emotionally. It only made me stronger in the end. I have made mistakes, and only recently have I been learning from them. I am not helpless - not anymore. I am safe. I am safe because I say I am, and I have plans of action should something go wrong. I'm not completely prepared for anything, but I will be. I am persistent. I am learning to be patient. I am determined. I am many things, and I have been mistaken for many other things. Sometimes I was the one who was mistaken.

But if you are one who thinks that because I am trusting, with a sunny disposition - or maybe simply because I resemble a happy leprechaun in stature and demeanor - that I am in any way weak or able to be pushed around, think again. I will not compromise my values or self-beliefs, and I will not be afraid. But you, you will be left in the dust, realizing I was the best woman you were ever with and will ever be with. And when you realize that, I will have moved on to someone who is worthy of my time. I will not answer your midnight phone calls; I will not call you. I will forgive but I will never forget. And above all, I will NOT be afraid. Not ever again. You can hurt me, but you will never break me. And in the end, you will realize that in trying, you are the one that ended up broken. Because you lost the one person who stood by you and honestly just wanted to help you. And while you're living with that, I'm living my life, unafraid and without a single thought of you, with someone else.

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Right now, I am alone. Sometimes I do get scared, though not of anything in particular. I have nightmares, because the past hasn't quite gone away yet. It's then that I want to reach out and have you comfort me, but you're not here to do that. And I don't want to wake you because I'm afraid you'll view me as either clingy or not respecting your needs, since you have to wake up so early for work. I work so hard to be untouchable to those who have hurt me, yet I am so cautious of every step I take so I don't scare you off. You fall slowly, and that scares me. I don't know what to do, how to act, and because of that I back off when I really need you the most. Well, I need you the most now. I need you to wipe my tears and chase my fears away, remind me that I'm not there anymore. I'm here, with you, and I'm safe. Even if I'm not safe from you. I know you'll do your best to protect me, but I'm still not safe. You can hurt me, and probably will. I wish the day would come soon when you tell me you have fallen - then I wouldn't worry so much. Then I could relax with you, and be my crazy, neurotic self, but less neurotic because I know that despite myself, you want me too. And I could tell you how much I missed you, and tell your mom she has the most amazing man for a son, and it would all be okay... But tonight, I'm alone. And scared. And for now, it will stay that way...

Learned helplessness... Break your boundaries! (very personal, FYI)

So, last week in therapy was a real breakthrough for me.

A little background: In my life, I have had things happen to me, both by two indirect family members who had authority over me (before 9th grade and around age 20) and by others - including my first - but mostly by my most recent, very abusive ex of three years. That said, I have been in therapy for (finally the correct diagnosis) PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) and depression since about March. It seems I learn some new breakthrough lesson every time I go, and I highly recommend EMDR therapy (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) combined with more general CBT (cognitive-behavioral) therapy (with the same therapist, of course) for anyone with similar issues, and many anxiety disorders and phobias as well. Now, back to the topic at hand.

I knew that even though I think very highly of myself and my abilities, I had developed a low self-worth. Or rather, that despite how I felt about myself, others didn't value my needs, thoughts, and feelings. I guess I really didn't either, because I would always put others (usually the wrong others, lol) first. And I knew I had a real knee-jerk reaction with men, a subconscious fear that led me to do things I'm not proud of. What I didn't realize until this last week, between therapy and my Abnormal Psych finals, was that I had learned that I'm helpless in any given situation, not just alone with men. (The alone-with-men complex had actually been diminished already.) Now, of course this isn't really true. Everyone has choices, and those choices impact your current state. Yet, due to the PTSD and constantly letting myself get further and further into a bad situation, I had learned through operant conditioning (which was then greatly reinforced by my long string of bad choices with my ex) that I was helpless. Not only was I helpless to choose what happened with men, but I was helpless to protect my children, control finances (by "lending" someone unreliable and selfish thousands that I will never again see), and also importantly, protect my heart. I felt like I couldn't control myself with things as simple as being on time, let alone anything else.

The thing is, all of this came from two sources: People taking away my choices or feelings of safety in a place where I SHOULD HAVE had a choice or felt safe, and my own bad decisions to help other people instead of myself and my family, when I SHOULD HAVE put my own needs first. In time and with much repetition, these two combined taught me that ultimately I have no choice and no ability to do what I and my family need, which is NOT TRUE. Even though in my head, I know every choice is mine, my heart didn't know that. There was a disconnect. And as logical as any person can be, ultimately it's the "truth" known in your heart that guides your actions. So I urge you, if it feels like there's a disconnect between who you know you are and your actions, go back and try to figure out why. What events or choices led you to where you are now? Can you fix it yourself, or do you get in your own way? And don't think, as I did, that an event only affects your beliefs regarding one aspect of life. They can carry over into everything you do. Once you realize what subconscious beliefs you need to let go of, you can start to change into who you were meant to become. You may need therapy, you may not. You will need to take a hard look at how to prevent the same situation from repeating without taking the blame, in many instances. The things that happened to me, for example, were in NO way my fault, yet had I exercised more caution in who I was alone with, most of those instances would not have occurred. You will also - and this can be the hardest part for some people - need to forgive yourself for the things that you did as a result. There are some people that I really, really hurt. Hell, I really hurt myself, too, with many of the things I did. My family's financial position and living in a studio with three of us is all on me. It was hard to forgive myself for that. But while I take full responsibility for the position that I'm in now and the hurt that I caused others, I also know that for a lot of it, the choices were made by my disorder and not by my rational, true self. Most important in forgiveness, I know that I will never make those decisions, for those reasons, ever again.

I know this is a lot to take in, and you will likely need to re-read it a few times to get it if you are trying to get out of your own self-imposed cage. But once I reached that point last week, and the same will be true for you, I was free. I have been accomplishing tasks at an unbelievable rate the past few days, tasks I'd put off for MONTHS. I feel in control of my life for the first time in years, if I ever really have before. The future finally looks bright, and I finally feel like I'm the one controlling it. It is truly an amazing feeling, watching yourself do things you always knew you could but for some reason, you couldn't. Whether it's getting your finances & house organized, writing a book, or dating (and actually enjoying dating) a great guy instead of the same jerk you always dated in the past, you will see the difference in yourself and be amazed. So go break your boundaries, and see what amazing things you can really do!! :-) Love you all!

List of Future Accomplishments

This will be an ever-changing, ever-expanding list, but I have to start somewhere!

Write a children's book series
Write a short YA series
Fit into my hs cheer uniform
Ziplining
Bungee jumping
Hang gliding
Sky diving
Make a CD (not distribute, just make one, with original songs)
Become fluent in French
Become fluent in Portuguese
Become fluent in Spanish
Build a house
Get my CPA license
Earn my black belt in Kajukenbo
Learn how to kickbox
Learn how to shoot
Learn to cook
Fix my credit
Build up my kids' college funds
Fall in love... with someone who deserves it and loves me back

Right now that's all I can think of, but you can be sure there are more coming!!