Rough Times

Of course, you knew if my finances/jobs were coming together, something else had to go wrong, right? Murphy's law. I've been... afraid to sleep, afraid of the nightmares, as listed in my last post. My only chance at relaxation was once a week in the arms of the man I care about, though we're pretty new. WELL... I had to put that one on hold. Between you (which so far is one person I've ever actually met, lol) and me, I've become completely FB stalker-ish, overly analytical, and clingy. Ugh. Well, wouldn't you if the only time you could not be tense was a few hours a week?? Don't judge, lol. Anyway, I got paranoid, he warned that clingy = bad, and  I said if we don't chill out now, I will drive you crazy. He agreed. SO. It was helpful at first, dating and seeing what came up while still seeing my therapist weekly. Now, though, I'm kind of glad, because I'm no longer tempted to call the man I care about (since that's not how it is now) to tell him all about my crazy. I also no longer have to fight that urge and hide it. Aside from work and kids (which, granted, takes up most of my time but oh well), I don't have to fight it or hide it anymore, which allows me to process better. In fact, I'm taking tonight and just surrounding myself with it.

Here's how that's going. Slept and woke up within an hour: 3 times so far. Nightmares: 1 that I can remember. Time I've been for this time: it's 12:38 AM and I'd say I've been up since about 10:45. Rants that I probably shouldn't have posted today: Countless (ok, probably around 5). Chocolate: Check. McD's: Check. Ice cream: Pass. Wine: Pass, only because I have to work in the morning. Taco Bell: Headed there after I finish this. The biggest thing is that I'm noticing I'm not overwhelmed with fear, like I was initially. It's all anxiety and pain. Mostly pain. The pain of suppressing, the pain of denial, the pain of talking myself into thinking I was crazy 15 years ago, and living with that belief - and some others - all this time. I hurt for me and I hurt for that girl 15 years ago that had to live like that to feign a feeling of safety. When the two become one, and the pain subsides, and nothing is buried any longer... I will be free. The first six months of therapy turned me into a new person, one that could make her own decisions. The stuff that I'm working through now will free me. And I can't wait to be free. Ha, makes me cry just thinking about it. But then, I've done a lot of that this past week.

Anyway, this blog is kind of pointless, but as I only have one follower - and a busy one at that - I feel fairly safe using this as my personal diary at this point. There is no philosophy or lesson contained in this one, just venting and a way to remind myself: This too shall pass. And the only one that needs to believe that to be valid, is me. Ok, feeling better. Off to TB and then more processing... Woohoo!