Who am I?

First, I'll tell you who I'm not. I'm not shy - well, not after the first five minutes. I'm not afraid of anything, except really big bugs and snakes. I'm not going to put up with someone treating me horribly, and I'm not going to treat someone horribly unless they threaten my family or friends. I'm not spiteful, and I don't have ulterior motives that will harm others in any way. I'm not great at keeping the house spotless or cooking every night, either. And I will not fail.

Who am I? I'm strong. I've been raising children since long before I was an adult (though I've been raising my own since shortly after I became one), and I've been doing it on my own. I make the tough choices and enforce the tough decisions. I have been hurt, beaten down physically and emotionally. It only made me stronger in the end. I have made mistakes, and only recently have I been learning from them. I am not helpless - not anymore. I am safe. I am safe because I say I am, and I have plans of action should something go wrong. I'm not completely prepared for anything, but I will be. I am persistent. I am learning to be patient. I am determined. I am many things, and I have been mistaken for many other things. Sometimes I was the one who was mistaken.

But if you are one who thinks that because I am trusting, with a sunny disposition - or maybe simply because I resemble a happy leprechaun in stature and demeanor - that I am in any way weak or able to be pushed around, think again. I will not compromise my values or self-beliefs, and I will not be afraid. But you, you will be left in the dust, realizing I was the best woman you were ever with and will ever be with. And when you realize that, I will have moved on to someone who is worthy of my time. I will not answer your midnight phone calls; I will not call you. I will forgive but I will never forget. And above all, I will NOT be afraid. Not ever again. You can hurt me, but you will never break me. And in the end, you will realize that in trying, you are the one that ended up broken. Because you lost the one person who stood by you and honestly just wanted to help you. And while you're living with that, I'm living my life, unafraid and without a single thought of you, with someone else.

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Right now, I am alone. Sometimes I do get scared, though not of anything in particular. I have nightmares, because the past hasn't quite gone away yet. It's then that I want to reach out and have you comfort me, but you're not here to do that. And I don't want to wake you because I'm afraid you'll view me as either clingy or not respecting your needs, since you have to wake up so early for work. I work so hard to be untouchable to those who have hurt me, yet I am so cautious of every step I take so I don't scare you off. You fall slowly, and that scares me. I don't know what to do, how to act, and because of that I back off when I really need you the most. Well, I need you the most now. I need you to wipe my tears and chase my fears away, remind me that I'm not there anymore. I'm here, with you, and I'm safe. Even if I'm not safe from you. I know you'll do your best to protect me, but I'm still not safe. You can hurt me, and probably will. I wish the day would come soon when you tell me you have fallen - then I wouldn't worry so much. Then I could relax with you, and be my crazy, neurotic self, but less neurotic because I know that despite myself, you want me too. And I could tell you how much I missed you, and tell your mom she has the most amazing man for a son, and it would all be okay... But tonight, I'm alone. And scared. And for now, it will stay that way...