So, last week in therapy was a real breakthrough for me.
A little background: In my life, I have had things happen to me, both by two indirect family members who had authority over me (before 9th grade and around age 20) and by others - including my first - but mostly by my most recent, very abusive ex of three years. That said, I have been in therapy for (finally the correct diagnosis) PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) and depression since about March. It seems I learn some new breakthrough lesson every time I go, and I highly recommend EMDR therapy (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) combined with more general CBT (cognitive-behavioral) therapy (with the same therapist, of course) for anyone with similar issues, and many anxiety disorders and phobias as well. Now, back to the topic at hand.
I knew that even though I think very highly of myself and my abilities, I had developed a low self-worth. Or rather, that despite how I felt about myself, others didn't value my needs, thoughts, and feelings. I guess I really didn't either, because I would always put others (usually the wrong others, lol) first. And I knew I had a real knee-jerk reaction with men, a subconscious fear that led me to do things I'm not proud of. What I didn't realize until this last week, between therapy and my Abnormal Psych finals, was that I had learned that I'm helpless in any given situation, not just alone with men. (The alone-with-men complex had actually been diminished already.) Now, of course this isn't really true. Everyone has choices, and those choices impact your current state. Yet, due to the PTSD and constantly letting myself get further and further into a bad situation, I had learned through operant conditioning (which was then greatly reinforced by my long string of bad choices with my ex) that I was helpless. Not only was I helpless to choose what happened with men, but I was helpless to protect my children, control finances (by "lending" someone unreliable and selfish thousands that I will never again see), and also importantly, protect my heart. I felt like I couldn't control myself with things as simple as being on time, let alone anything else.
The thing is, all of this came from two sources: People taking away my choices or feelings of safety in a place where I SHOULD HAVE had a choice or felt safe, and my own bad decisions to help other people instead of myself and my family, when I SHOULD HAVE put my own needs first. In time and with much repetition, these two combined taught me that ultimately I have no choice and no ability to do what I and my family need, which is NOT TRUE. Even though in my head, I know every choice is mine, my heart didn't know that. There was a disconnect. And as logical as any person can be, ultimately it's the "truth" known in your heart that guides your actions. So I urge you, if it feels like there's a disconnect between who you know you are and your actions, go back and try to figure out why. What events or choices led you to where you are now? Can you fix it yourself, or do you get in your own way? And don't think, as I did, that an event only affects your beliefs regarding one aspect of life. They can carry over into everything you do. Once you realize what subconscious beliefs you need to let go of, you can start to change into who you were meant to become. You may need therapy, you may not. You will need to take a hard look at how to prevent the same situation from repeating without taking the blame, in many instances. The things that happened to me, for example, were in NO way my fault, yet had I exercised more caution in who I was alone with, most of those instances would not have occurred. You will also - and this can be the hardest part for some people - need to forgive yourself for the things that you did as a result. There are some people that I really, really hurt. Hell, I really hurt myself, too, with many of the things I did. My family's financial position and living in a studio with three of us is all on me. It was hard to forgive myself for that. But while I take full responsibility for the position that I'm in now and the hurt that I caused others, I also know that for a lot of it, the choices were made by my disorder and not by my rational, true self. Most important in forgiveness, I know that I will never make those decisions, for those reasons, ever again.
I know this is a lot to take in, and you will likely need to re-read it a few times to get it if you are trying to get out of your own self-imposed cage. But once I reached that point last week, and the same will be true for you, I was free. I have been accomplishing tasks at an unbelievable rate the past few days, tasks I'd put off for MONTHS. I feel in control of my life for the first time in years, if I ever really have before. The future finally looks bright, and I finally feel like I'm the one controlling it. It is truly an amazing feeling, watching yourself do things you always knew you could but for some reason, you couldn't. Whether it's getting your finances & house organized, writing a book, or dating (and actually enjoying dating) a great guy instead of the same jerk you always dated in the past, you will see the difference in yourself and be amazed. So go break your boundaries, and see what amazing things you can really do!! :-) Love you all!
No comments:
Post a Comment