Of course, you knew if my finances/jobs were coming together, something else had to go wrong, right? Murphy's law. I've been... afraid to sleep, afraid of the nightmares, as listed in my last post. My only chance at relaxation was once a week in the arms of the man I care about, though we're pretty new. WELL... I had to put that one on hold. Between you (which so far is one person I've ever actually met, lol) and me, I've become completely FB stalker-ish, overly analytical, and clingy. Ugh. Well, wouldn't you if the only time you could not be tense was a few hours a week?? Don't judge, lol. Anyway, I got paranoid, he warned that clingy = bad, and I said if we don't chill out now, I will drive you crazy. He agreed. SO. It was helpful at first, dating and seeing what came up while still seeing my therapist weekly. Now, though, I'm kind of glad, because I'm no longer tempted to call the man I care about (since that's not how it is now) to tell him all about my crazy. I also no longer have to fight that urge and hide it. Aside from work and kids (which, granted, takes up most of my time but oh well), I don't have to fight it or hide it anymore, which allows me to process better. In fact, I'm taking tonight and just surrounding myself with it.
Here's how that's going. Slept and woke up within an hour: 3 times so far. Nightmares: 1 that I can remember. Time I've been for this time: it's 12:38 AM and I'd say I've been up since about 10:45. Rants that I probably shouldn't have posted today: Countless (ok, probably around 5). Chocolate: Check. McD's: Check. Ice cream: Pass. Wine: Pass, only because I have to work in the morning. Taco Bell: Headed there after I finish this. The biggest thing is that I'm noticing I'm not overwhelmed with fear, like I was initially. It's all anxiety and pain. Mostly pain. The pain of suppressing, the pain of denial, the pain of talking myself into thinking I was crazy 15 years ago, and living with that belief - and some others - all this time. I hurt for me and I hurt for that girl 15 years ago that had to live like that to feign a feeling of safety. When the two become one, and the pain subsides, and nothing is buried any longer... I will be free. The first six months of therapy turned me into a new person, one that could make her own decisions. The stuff that I'm working through now will free me. And I can't wait to be free. Ha, makes me cry just thinking about it. But then, I've done a lot of that this past week.
Anyway, this blog is kind of pointless, but as I only have one follower - and a busy one at that - I feel fairly safe using this as my personal diary at this point. There is no philosophy or lesson contained in this one, just venting and a way to remind myself: This too shall pass. And the only one that needs to believe that to be valid, is me. Ok, feeling better. Off to TB and then more processing... Woohoo!
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Who am I?
First, I'll tell you who I'm not. I'm not shy - well, not after the first five minutes. I'm not afraid of anything, except really big bugs and snakes. I'm not going to put up with someone treating me horribly, and I'm not going to treat someone horribly unless they threaten my family or friends. I'm not spiteful, and I don't have ulterior motives that will harm others in any way. I'm not great at keeping the house spotless or cooking every night, either. And I will not fail.
Who am I? I'm strong. I've been raising children since long before I was an adult (though I've been raising my own since shortly after I became one), and I've been doing it on my own. I make the tough choices and enforce the tough decisions. I have been hurt, beaten down physically and emotionally. It only made me stronger in the end. I have made mistakes, and only recently have I been learning from them. I am not helpless - not anymore. I am safe. I am safe because I say I am, and I have plans of action should something go wrong. I'm not completely prepared for anything, but I will be. I am persistent. I am learning to be patient. I am determined. I am many things, and I have been mistaken for many other things. Sometimes I was the one who was mistaken.
But if you are one who thinks that because I am trusting, with a sunny disposition - or maybe simply because I resemble a happy leprechaun in stature and demeanor - that I am in any way weak or able to be pushed around, think again. I will not compromise my values or self-beliefs, and I will not be afraid. But you, you will be left in the dust, realizing I was the best woman you were ever with and will ever be with. And when you realize that, I will have moved on to someone who is worthy of my time. I will not answer your midnight phone calls; I will not call you. I will forgive but I will never forget. And above all, I will NOT be afraid. Not ever again. You can hurt me, but you will never break me. And in the end, you will realize that in trying, you are the one that ended up broken. Because you lost the one person who stood by you and honestly just wanted to help you. And while you're living with that, I'm living my life, unafraid and without a single thought of you, with someone else.
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Right now, I am alone. Sometimes I do get scared, though not of anything in particular. I have nightmares, because the past hasn't quite gone away yet. It's then that I want to reach out and have you comfort me, but you're not here to do that. And I don't want to wake you because I'm afraid you'll view me as either clingy or not respecting your needs, since you have to wake up so early for work. I work so hard to be untouchable to those who have hurt me, yet I am so cautious of every step I take so I don't scare you off. You fall slowly, and that scares me. I don't know what to do, how to act, and because of that I back off when I really need you the most. Well, I need you the most now. I need you to wipe my tears and chase my fears away, remind me that I'm not there anymore. I'm here, with you, and I'm safe. Even if I'm not safe from you. I know you'll do your best to protect me, but I'm still not safe. You can hurt me, and probably will. I wish the day would come soon when you tell me you have fallen - then I wouldn't worry so much. Then I could relax with you, and be my crazy, neurotic self, but less neurotic because I know that despite myself, you want me too. And I could tell you how much I missed you, and tell your mom she has the most amazing man for a son, and it would all be okay... But tonight, I'm alone. And scared. And for now, it will stay that way...
Who am I? I'm strong. I've been raising children since long before I was an adult (though I've been raising my own since shortly after I became one), and I've been doing it on my own. I make the tough choices and enforce the tough decisions. I have been hurt, beaten down physically and emotionally. It only made me stronger in the end. I have made mistakes, and only recently have I been learning from them. I am not helpless - not anymore. I am safe. I am safe because I say I am, and I have plans of action should something go wrong. I'm not completely prepared for anything, but I will be. I am persistent. I am learning to be patient. I am determined. I am many things, and I have been mistaken for many other things. Sometimes I was the one who was mistaken.
But if you are one who thinks that because I am trusting, with a sunny disposition - or maybe simply because I resemble a happy leprechaun in stature and demeanor - that I am in any way weak or able to be pushed around, think again. I will not compromise my values or self-beliefs, and I will not be afraid. But you, you will be left in the dust, realizing I was the best woman you were ever with and will ever be with. And when you realize that, I will have moved on to someone who is worthy of my time. I will not answer your midnight phone calls; I will not call you. I will forgive but I will never forget. And above all, I will NOT be afraid. Not ever again. You can hurt me, but you will never break me. And in the end, you will realize that in trying, you are the one that ended up broken. Because you lost the one person who stood by you and honestly just wanted to help you. And while you're living with that, I'm living my life, unafraid and without a single thought of you, with someone else.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Right now, I am alone. Sometimes I do get scared, though not of anything in particular. I have nightmares, because the past hasn't quite gone away yet. It's then that I want to reach out and have you comfort me, but you're not here to do that. And I don't want to wake you because I'm afraid you'll view me as either clingy or not respecting your needs, since you have to wake up so early for work. I work so hard to be untouchable to those who have hurt me, yet I am so cautious of every step I take so I don't scare you off. You fall slowly, and that scares me. I don't know what to do, how to act, and because of that I back off when I really need you the most. Well, I need you the most now. I need you to wipe my tears and chase my fears away, remind me that I'm not there anymore. I'm here, with you, and I'm safe. Even if I'm not safe from you. I know you'll do your best to protect me, but I'm still not safe. You can hurt me, and probably will. I wish the day would come soon when you tell me you have fallen - then I wouldn't worry so much. Then I could relax with you, and be my crazy, neurotic self, but less neurotic because I know that despite myself, you want me too. And I could tell you how much I missed you, and tell your mom she has the most amazing man for a son, and it would all be okay... But tonight, I'm alone. And scared. And for now, it will stay that way...
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