Learned helplessness... Break your boundaries! (very personal, FYI)

So, last week in therapy was a real breakthrough for me.

A little background: In my life, I have had things happen to me, both by two indirect family members who had authority over me (before 9th grade and around age 20) and by others - including my first - but mostly by my most recent, very abusive ex of three years. That said, I have been in therapy for (finally the correct diagnosis) PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) and depression since about March. It seems I learn some new breakthrough lesson every time I go, and I highly recommend EMDR therapy (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) combined with more general CBT (cognitive-behavioral) therapy (with the same therapist, of course) for anyone with similar issues, and many anxiety disorders and phobias as well. Now, back to the topic at hand.

I knew that even though I think very highly of myself and my abilities, I had developed a low self-worth. Or rather, that despite how I felt about myself, others didn't value my needs, thoughts, and feelings. I guess I really didn't either, because I would always put others (usually the wrong others, lol) first. And I knew I had a real knee-jerk reaction with men, a subconscious fear that led me to do things I'm not proud of. What I didn't realize until this last week, between therapy and my Abnormal Psych finals, was that I had learned that I'm helpless in any given situation, not just alone with men. (The alone-with-men complex had actually been diminished already.) Now, of course this isn't really true. Everyone has choices, and those choices impact your current state. Yet, due to the PTSD and constantly letting myself get further and further into a bad situation, I had learned through operant conditioning (which was then greatly reinforced by my long string of bad choices with my ex) that I was helpless. Not only was I helpless to choose what happened with men, but I was helpless to protect my children, control finances (by "lending" someone unreliable and selfish thousands that I will never again see), and also importantly, protect my heart. I felt like I couldn't control myself with things as simple as being on time, let alone anything else.

The thing is, all of this came from two sources: People taking away my choices or feelings of safety in a place where I SHOULD HAVE had a choice or felt safe, and my own bad decisions to help other people instead of myself and my family, when I SHOULD HAVE put my own needs first. In time and with much repetition, these two combined taught me that ultimately I have no choice and no ability to do what I and my family need, which is NOT TRUE. Even though in my head, I know every choice is mine, my heart didn't know that. There was a disconnect. And as logical as any person can be, ultimately it's the "truth" known in your heart that guides your actions. So I urge you, if it feels like there's a disconnect between who you know you are and your actions, go back and try to figure out why. What events or choices led you to where you are now? Can you fix it yourself, or do you get in your own way? And don't think, as I did, that an event only affects your beliefs regarding one aspect of life. They can carry over into everything you do. Once you realize what subconscious beliefs you need to let go of, you can start to change into who you were meant to become. You may need therapy, you may not. You will need to take a hard look at how to prevent the same situation from repeating without taking the blame, in many instances. The things that happened to me, for example, were in NO way my fault, yet had I exercised more caution in who I was alone with, most of those instances would not have occurred. You will also - and this can be the hardest part for some people - need to forgive yourself for the things that you did as a result. There are some people that I really, really hurt. Hell, I really hurt myself, too, with many of the things I did. My family's financial position and living in a studio with three of us is all on me. It was hard to forgive myself for that. But while I take full responsibility for the position that I'm in now and the hurt that I caused others, I also know that for a lot of it, the choices were made by my disorder and not by my rational, true self. Most important in forgiveness, I know that I will never make those decisions, for those reasons, ever again.

I know this is a lot to take in, and you will likely need to re-read it a few times to get it if you are trying to get out of your own self-imposed cage. But once I reached that point last week, and the same will be true for you, I was free. I have been accomplishing tasks at an unbelievable rate the past few days, tasks I'd put off for MONTHS. I feel in control of my life for the first time in years, if I ever really have before. The future finally looks bright, and I finally feel like I'm the one controlling it. It is truly an amazing feeling, watching yourself do things you always knew you could but for some reason, you couldn't. Whether it's getting your finances & house organized, writing a book, or dating (and actually enjoying dating) a great guy instead of the same jerk you always dated in the past, you will see the difference in yourself and be amazed. So go break your boundaries, and see what amazing things you can really do!! :-) Love you all!

List of Future Accomplishments

This will be an ever-changing, ever-expanding list, but I have to start somewhere!

Write a children's book series
Write a short YA series
Fit into my hs cheer uniform
Ziplining
Bungee jumping
Hang gliding
Sky diving
Make a CD (not distribute, just make one, with original songs)
Become fluent in French
Become fluent in Portuguese
Become fluent in Spanish
Build a house
Get my CPA license
Earn my black belt in Kajukenbo
Learn how to kickbox
Learn how to shoot
Learn to cook
Fix my credit
Build up my kids' college funds
Fall in love... with someone who deserves it and loves me back

Right now that's all I can think of, but you can be sure there are more coming!!

What Bryan and Anna Taught Me - July 11, 2011

Hey, I opened a new blog address so I transferred this one over.

So, tonight's my first blog. I'm having a tough time with this - I've only lost one person close to me before, and she was my grandma at 67 years old - so I thought I'd blog about it, LOL. To be honest, I wasn't close to Bryan, or Anna. Hadn't seen either of them in years. And I think that's part of why it hurts so much. Bryan and I spent every weekday together for 2-3 years. We'd go to his mom's house, where I enjoyed being around a more... typical?... mother than mine for a while. She ran a daycare, and she'd often leave Bryan in charge of certain kids. Other times, he, Nils and I would go to his room or out somewhere and hang out. I didn't remember a lot about my childhood outside of performing, but it all came rushing back at his funeral on Sunday. How I used to always try and figure out what was going on in his head - he was usually pretty quiet and even-tempered - and he'd laugh and get this amused smirk on his face, how mad he used to get at his sisters for trying to get in his room or letting Murphy the dog somewhere he wasn't supposed to be. And then I didn't go there anymore, and I made new friends. Mostly girls who were as boy-crazy as I was, ha! I would see him or Nils in the halls, wonder how they were doing, miss spending time with them, and dismiss it. After high school, I never saw him again, aside from his picture on Facebook. I never told him how much I missed him and his family, especially his mom Carrie. I never told him about the crush I had on him at one point... I never told him how much I still cared about him as a friend, and missed the days we used to spend together. I was looking forward to seeing him at my 10-year reunion, just over a month away. That would be my excuse to see him and all the other friends I've cared about and lost touch with... But there will now be one less friend there to catch up with, one more friend who maybe didn't think I cared or noticed him anymore.

Then there's Anna. I wasn't friends with her quite as long, but she was... beautiful, and bouncy, and funny, and sweet. She wouldn't be sweet about people who hurt her friends, but if she met you once, you were her friend. I remember her smile and I remember her when she was hurting, and she was one of those people who you felt was invincible and would live forever because she just seemed unstoppable. I've often thought about my days hanging out with the "Shari's crew," as I called them, and she was always in those thoughts. I remember laughing with her no matter how upset one of us was about stupid boy stuff... Another person I'll never reconnect with, but who will always be in my heart.

So now, the silver lining, the reason for this blog post - what do I do with this information? How do I turn this positive, keep them alive for me, even though nothing can bring them back? They both led lives worth living. Anna lived with a passion for life and for people, and despite the reservations she verbalized, what I saw was a woman who would love someone instantly as her friend, unless they gave her a good reason not to. Bryan... Bryan was sweet, funny, again caring for strangers. He was smart, he was loved, he was responsible in his work and in his life. He spent time with the people he loved and who loved him. He traveled a lot, was willing to try pretty much anything once, and helped anyone who needed it. These are all characteristics worth working for. They lived life intentionally. Life didn't just "happen" to them... They happened to life, and worked to create the world they wanted to live in. I try, but there are so many things that "just happen" in my life. The point is, things will always come up, but it's up to you to be prepared for them and not let it take you off the path that YOU choose for yourself. From now on, I want to happen to life. And as I do, I know there will be two beautiful people watching down from heaven, smiling.